how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
