Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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