Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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