I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
