She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
