Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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