I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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