don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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