True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
