drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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