What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
