dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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