Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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