my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
