I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
