Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
