it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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