Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
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Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night