omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
