TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?