and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.