Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
