Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
