coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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