i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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