Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
