Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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