He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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