you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
