my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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