Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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