i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
