You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
