i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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