Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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