so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
