This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
