If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
