I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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