I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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