Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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