I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We are two peas in an std pod
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
