i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
