how can u be prego again
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
