He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
