are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
