My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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