Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why is there bacon in the couch?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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