Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
