The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
