# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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