got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
