On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
