Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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