I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
