i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
