I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
