2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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