the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Boobs speak an international language.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
