Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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