Kiss
Puke
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
