im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize