I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
